Report: Stingray elevates war to next level

For immediate release:

PACIFIC OCEAN - Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice took a firm stance Thursday, stating that under no circumstances would the U.S. and its allies tolerate the increased insurgency of the Stingray Republic. "The key for peace is for the stingrays to understand their place in the ocean," Rice stated to a crowded room of environmentalists, Australians, PETA members, and the premier of Uzbekistan. The latest attack on a Florida longshoreman reflects the increased bravado these stingrays have developed in recent weeks.

The latest attack does not bode well for stingray-human relations as the increase in reported skirmishes has already put U.S. installments throughout the Pacific on high alert. The most recent attack, says Rice, is an "obviously calculated response due to non-military personnel taking matters into their own hands." Rice refers to the 275% increase in "RSK" (random stingray killings) that began shortly after environmentalist and former Ambassador to the Stingray Republic Steve Irwin's tragic death last month. It is believed that the attacks have been directed by the Atlantic Stingray Sub-Alliance (ASS).

Rice condemns the ASS's futile attacks in light of the Stingray Premier's statement last week that Irwin's death was a tragic mistake by unsanctioned rebel forces. Nevertheless, the Premier has reiterated his support for the stingray insurgency. "The Stingray's Republic of the Western Pacific will not stand idly by as our brothers continue to be slaughtered at the hands of the oppressors," reports the Premier's U.N. Ambaassador. "Short of complete withdrawal from our ocean boundaries, we cannot affirmatively state when these attacks will end." Talks between the Pacific and Atlantic fronts are expected to continue next week.