Law clerks and internet dating

By coincidence and not by New Years resolution, I signed up for a three month long Match.com account earlier this month. I'll save my comments for intra-office clerk dating for another day. Here are my initial and brief thoughts, since I have to go into work to do some stuff and I am delaying that as much as I can today. The bottom line is that after less than a month, I remain unimpressed with Match.com. My reasons follow.

So far, my experience is similar to that of when I tried this once before in law school. Of course, I am in a different city now, and I fully admit that maybe it's just me, but I just don't see a lot of serious daters on this site. There seems to be less fraud though, so that's at least helping those who were probably voted in high school as being the "most likely to be in the bottom rung of a pyramid scheme."

When I first started, I either winked or emailed someone I was interested in, or respond to a wink or email, even if I wasn't interested. Now, if I get a wink or email from someone who I have no interest in, I simply say "no thanks." I'm not sure why the same courtesy can't be extended to me since some girls I've winked/emailed never responded or even looked at my profile, so I'm left to conclude that (as with my screwy email system), they never got it to begin with, that they are inundated with so many winks and emails that mine gets lost in the shuffle, or I have failed in reaching their initial Part I hurdle. With that, I feel it prudent to offer some free advice for those thinking of putting themselves out there on an online profile.

Part I. Importance of Photos.
This online dating world has a certain voyeuristic quality to it, so I'm surprised by the people who have contacted me without any pictures. At first I responded, mainly because I'm in the benefit of the doubt business, but it's unrealistic for someone who isn't blind to not look first. Looks aren't everything, this is true, but if I wouldn't go up to someone who I didn't think was remotely cute in a bar or a bookstore, why would I do it on good faith online? So, no pictures = no dialog from me.

Second, I recognize that most people aren't very photogenic. I will say that this holds true for 75% people who aren't models or actors/actresses, myself probably included. Regardless, this is a digital world, and you need to post more than just your best floating head photo. One photo isn't enough. Further, I can't tell you how many profiles I've seen that have photos of their dogs, cats, landscapes, etc. Maybe it's just me, and I admit it may create some conversation, but pictures that speak a thousand words belong in your house, not online in a dating profile.

That being said, I am also surprised by the number of drunken pictures and pictures with guys and babies that girls put online. Unless you have kids or boyfriend issues, I find these photos just odd. If it's a group picture at a party, that's one thing, but when everyone of the photos (save the headshot) has you holding a beer in it, it makes me that less inclined to bother. The photos of what must be an ex-boyfriend cut (or cropped) out of the picture are also a bit tacky. I'm not one to judge, but I think someone who is taking this semi-seriously needs to have five or six pictures (some with friends so I know they have some), including a full body shot, are necessary. This doesn't mean just to have wedding party photos or photos that were obviously taken by you holding a digital camera and pointing it at yourself - it should be easy enough to get your friends to take a good picture of you (that is recent), and if that is a problem, I'm beginning to see that as a yellow flag.

So, if it's a bad picture up front, I'm not going to look further, at least very closely. But, if they seem cute enough after my quick glance, I'll then look at the rest of their profile. There's a way to search with just pictures, but since I'm in the reading business, I tend to search with pictures and description.

Part II. Importance of Description.
Although it's sort of like photographs, in that most people don't appear to be very good writers, I think that description comes across more harsh than I intend. I think most people are handicapping themselves by trying to create a mystique about them, which is good if you're playing a numbers game, but bad (I think) if you're trying to take this seriously. I fully admit that I may be talking out of both sides of my mouth with this part, but I think the underlying aspect is right.

I'm not looking for a novel, but I am looking for something that tells me that you're taking this semi-seriously. I can't tell you how many profiles begin with "well, it's hard to describe myself in 4000 characters." No, it's not. I think if it's going to be done right, it probably takes 3 or 4 paragraphs. Spelling counts, and I look for something more than just "I'm tired of the bar scene." Since this aspect of the profile is pretty unique to the individual, I'll just say that "less is more" works to some degree, but it's a sliding scale.

Basically, the descriptions that prompt me to consider "winking" or even emailing are able to provide, succinctly, some humor, the reasons why you are internet dating (without admitting, as anyone on there is also thinking, that it's still sort of shady), and a couple aspects about your personality. I'm not looking for your life story. I'm not even sure I want to know that you haven't had a date in the last three or four years because you've been in another relationship (although I'm sure that will come out in the course of a couple emails or drinks). Basically, I'm looking for something that we would talk about if we happened to be waiting in a long line and engaged in some sort of short, meaningful conversation. Easier said than done, I admit.

Part III. The General Descriptors.
I think this gets overlooked by a lot of people. For me, this is probably just as important as the text, mainly because this is the sort of thing that people would love to know before going up to someone at a bar and either hitting or missing. For me, I look for the age, the age range they are looking at, education, whether they want kids, to some degree religion, and their occupation. While these are probably the most judgmental things one can box someone into, they also provide the "things in common" that warrant further follow up. In reality, they give you something to talk about.

Part IV: Email courtesy.
I generally try and follow what I thought was a good rule of thumb: If someone took the time to email you, you should take the time to email them. After a couple of strange experiences with this, I have decided to agree that the social mores of online dating are less than in real life, and it's okay to just stop emailing. I still think the courtesy of saying "no thanks," while harsh, is better to provide closure for initial contact cases.

Conclusion.
Although I tried to follow each of these parts in creating my profile, I must be honest and say that I may be putting too much effort into this, and maybe I should instead approach this as a numbers game. Because I have tried to be more selective so far though, I think this strategy is not right, or at least isn't going to work on Match.com.

Since I'm a paying member, I can see who clicked on me (even after I clicked on them), so that provides an in sometimes, but again, I'm not trying to play a numbers game, so I may be handicapping myself from the start. While it's flattering that over a hundred girls have glanced my way, I've only emailed with a handful, and unlike last time, have yet to meet up with any. I was supposed to meet up with someone a couple of times, but it wound up falling through, mainly because of me and my unusually hectic work schedule. A couple girls who had sent cool emails a couple of times all of a sudden stopped being members, so I'm not sure what happened there. I've only had one bad experience so far, which has prompted me to be more vigilant in my emailing process.

None of these are good excuses though, and as one of my friends pointed out, I'm just meeting up for coffee or dinner, and I shouldn't go into these things with over-hyped expectations. Further, if I'm that busy now as a clerk, how's this going to work once I'm billing time at a big firm in a new city? I'll have to address this latter question later this year. In the meantime, we'll see what happens next month.

P.S. There was an amazing girl who on paper seems to have several things in common with me. I emailed and never got a response. She did look at my profile. Is it a safe assumption that she probably said "thanks but no thanks" and it's not worth following up to? I think the answer to this question is yes.

P.P.S. There are some amazing girls on this site. I find it hard to believe that a) they are single, and b) they are serious. If they are serious, I believe there is an untapped market for single professionals looking to date, and I'm not sure Match.com adequately fulfills this demand. I'm not sure that Millionaire Matchmaker gets it exactly right either, but there's an in between system waiting to be created. I base this conclusion on the story that was aired a few months back. See New York Rich Speed Dating.

Follow-up Conclusion:
I suspect (without any foundation) that if you're a girl, you can pretty much have your pick of the litter when it comes to online dating. If my one friend's experience was representative, she said that she often got three or four emails a day and twice as many winks. She said that her screening process was much more strict as a result. If that's the case, it makes it that much more important for the guy's profile to stand out and hope that the girl finds you attractive enough to respond.

Tags: writing a good online dating profile, online dating for young professionals